Last Day

It was late afternoon, and our staff line up has changed since we last spoke; but more on that later.

I was logging some reorder requests when I heard a deep voice breathe in wonder:

“It’s beautiful!”

I turn casually and notice Solarian Ring of Justice guy. I immediately shift my weight and sigh, still typing, and not really resisting a glance at the new kids who were staring at him in echoed awe and barely controlled excitement. Because everytime this guy shows up, you know a story is coming.

Let’s just get this over with. “See anything you like?” I say brightly, turning away from the computer.
“Hello!” he short-circuits himself in surprise.
“Hi.”
“Have you ever seen anything more beautiful and more perfect in your life?” Solarian says in a low whisper, transfixed as he caresses the black Silver Surfer t-shirt in his hands.
“That’s the Silver Surfer. He’s one of your favourites huh?”
“His name is Norrin and his planet was in danger. And because he was noble and because he was wise he gave up his life in order to save it.”
“Well he made a deal with Galactus right?”
“Yes! Yes he did! But Galactus wasn’t going to eat his planet!” His eyes became wide with a paranoid concern; “NO! THAT WASN’T HOW IT HAPPENED!” Solarian slams his hand on the counter, the sound muffled against the black cotton.
I lean back and spot a customer who was gripping a comic in his hand and stupidily he stepped forward “It was a meteor that was threatening his home planet. Galactus swore that he could stop it, if only Silver Surfer could become his herald.”
Solarian turns to the guy and says in a slowly rising voice “That.Was.What.I.Just.Said. I JUST SAID THAT!”

Nice. I started a fight with a single misinterpreted sentence.

I sigh deeply and try to change the conversation back to work “So, Silver Surfer, he looks great on that shirt huh?”
Solarian stares the much smaller and much meeker man into submission, and as the other customer turns away Solarian turns back to me.
“He had a girlfriend, with fire for hair.”
“Sorry?”
“Norrin. His girlfriend was beautiful, with long hair made out of cosmic fire. Her name was Nova”
“Um, sorry can’t recall her. Only Nova I know is a dude. He did have some long hair in the late eighties though. He’s still around; so what about that shirt?” I say quickly, without thinking.
“Nova was a woman” Solarian says, licking his lips nervously.
“Um, maybe you are thinking of Cassandra Nova?” I continue my vague talk, foolishly forgetting who it was I was talking to here.
“YES!” he said stabbing the air three inches from my chest, across the counter; surprising me into a frown.“-AND she was a woman! Sexy. Smart. The whole package.”
At this stage, one of my co-workers mutters “Too bad she was bald and an X-Men villan”
I watch Solarian fiddle with the tag as it was his turn to be stared down. No-one invades my personal space without a reprimanding death stare.
“It really is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. It’s so glorious. He was a scientist, a man full of worldly knowledge that stood up to the Devourer of Worlds. A real hero. My hero.” He finally says, a thick hand still tracing the silver puffy painted design.

I smile weakly and respond “It’s not that expensive, $29.95.”
“Really? I can afford that. Will this fit me?”
“No; because that is a medium and you’re gonna need an XL”
“Okay.”
I motion for a co-worker to fetch the appropriate size and watch them struggle for a bit, but finally reaching a silent agreement. My co-worker rolls his eyes at me as he dumps the shirt before me, and leans back against the counter, not saying anything.
As Solarian reaches into his pockets for his wallet, I notice the freaked out customer from before give me a terrified glance and I smile apologetically back; well what else could I do? Solarian may be crazy, but he’s a paying customer. Plus the guy looked suburbian as all hell; a little City Crazy action never hurt anyone. I turn back to Solarian who dumps his ratty wallet onto the counter and starts pulling out $20 bills, all crumply and greasy. He stops at $60 and asks “Is this enough?”
“Yeah, but take one back.”
“You don’t need it?”
“No. You do.”
He smiles at me and coughs his rattling smokers cough.
“Want a bag?” as I finish putting it through on the register.
“Yes please.”
I place the receipt with the shirt and begin to hand the plastic bag over when he says bluntly:
“I need to take that out.”
“The receipt?” I say watching him fumble inside for the small slip of paper.
“Yes. It is an Important Document; and I keep all my Important Documents in my wallet. Most people these days put those in their mobile phones but I don’t. It’s all in here.” He says, showing me the dirty scruffy interior of his wallet; stuffed with pieces of paper, scribbled notes and cards.
“Mobile phone?” I ask, but mostly to myself. How can one keep a receipt in a phone?
“Yes, and I don’t need one.” he says proudly, placing the receipt in his wallet, stuffing it into his back pocket and holding the bag loosely to his side.
“Alright?” I say for not having anything else to say.
“My uncle had a phone. Made out of wood, really nice and it was able to communicate with everyone on the planet. He kept it in his house. It was his house phone, you know what I’m saying?”
My co-worker mutters under his breath “No...”
I nod slowly “Sure..”
“A phone so powerful it could do anything a mobile can do but better and twice over because it came from the earth. You know what I mean?”
I realise my jaw had come somehow unhinged and I snap it shut “Yeah, if it ain’t broke don’t fix it right? “
Solarian grins widely and snorts happily. “Bye! I have to get home before my parents’ murder me in my sleep! But by God this is a beautiful thing!” he says bringing the bag to eye level and squinting at it through the thick plastic.
I notice my other co-workers exchanging looks and I scratch my chin, thankful this was my last day before a very much needed 11 day break. “Goodbye.” I say finally.

Solarian leaves and before he walks through the door he breaks into song “Silver Surfer! Herald of Galactus! OH YEAH!”

I grin and turn to my two co-workers who burst out laughing.

Quote of the Day

The Fly (possibly not his real name) comes up to the counter to buy a copy of Amazing Spider-Man.

The Fly: 'Just put it in two paper bags.'

Me: 'You need two paper bags?'

The Fly: 'Yes, because I have something wet. Because I just brushed my teeth. You know what I mean.'


- I don't. I really don't.

Apparently He's Good.

Me: 'Hi, can I help you?'

Him: 'I’m just having a look around thanks. I made everything here.'

Me: '...Everything?'

Him: 'Pretty much everything here, yeah. There's one or two I didn’t. I’m the Batman. I’m getting ready to retire now. I’ve finished law now and now I’m getting ready to retire.'

Me: - absolute silence. a tumbleweed may have rolled by.

Him: 'I'm just checking up on everything. The Australians should be back in about 400 years. So yeah, I’m good.'

How Much? Too Much! Kmart.

I was going to write about the Resin guy and Bullseye, wasn't I? Damn this week has been so full of freaks, that I am indebted to the Freak Gods from providing a more than generous amount of comedy gold. So I am going to be brief on this one. What made this incident so interesting, was the maniacal glare the guy kept giving Bullseye, and Bullseye really couldn't cope.
"What is the Thor head made out of?" The man said, his voice a fast drawl and eyes not wavering not even blinking.
"Uh, it's made out of Resin" said Bullseye, looking more uncomfortable than usual. People usually don't stare at him so intently unless they want to punch him.
The man keeps on staring "Resin? Exactly what is Resin?"
"It's a derivative of plastic" Bullseye said, lazily typing and clicking his way through Wikipedia.
"But what's it MADE OUT OF? WHAT DOES IT FEEL LIKE!? What is it's chemical proprieties?" the man spits out, eyes darting all over the shop, his hands palm down on the counter.
I step in. "It's a type of plastic modellers use, because it can be cold cast into any sculpture" I left it like that because I just wanted him to fuck off. Bullseye at this stage had turned pale and was staring back at the man in fear, much like a deer staring down the barrel of a sawed off shotgun
"BUT WHAT IS IT MADE OUT OFF!?" the man nearly foamed.
Bullseye regains control and starts stammering "I can show you Thor if you want, maybe you want a closer look?"
"I want to see all of your Resin statues, I want to see what Resin is made out of, I want to touch..." He said staring at the display cabinet and moving slowly towards it. I smiled as Bullseye slunk behind him. And cruelly picked up a comic, and made my way to the storeroom.

Cover of the Week

Thursday night Aerobics class was relocated inside an Alien Eye this week.
Green Lantern: Let me out of here! I don't want to tone inside this eye!
Batman: Stop complaining, Softie, feel the burn!

Well. so Resin Guy was a little, let's say UNHINGED for a lack of a better word. Apparently he ended up buying a Wolverine statue which pretty much certifies him insane anyway, so let's move on to the star of the show.
Me and Kamen were lazily spending a wet Sunday verbally abusing each other, as we always do and we almost missed it. Kamen spots him first.
Kamen: Shit! It's Too Much guy!
A large bellied man with missing teeth waddles into the store. Breathing heavily and unevenly.
I rub my hungover eyes. Really? Today?
TMGuy: It's R2! It's R2! Where is D2?
Me: That is R2D2.
TMGuy: How much? I say I say you can't have R2 without D2. Too Much!
Me: Uh..
TMGuy: How much is Batman? How much is Superman? Clark Kent is too much! Too much!
By this stage he was getting excited and touching every DVD we have in our Comic DVD section.
TMGuy: At Kmart. In Kmart you can get 2 ones but you can't get a single. All singles in Kmart. How much is one? I say... TOO MUCH! But oh yesssss Superman..... oh.
He stops and stares at a DVD ROM of Captain America comics.
TMGuy: Who is this?
Me: (hand on chin, slightly amused while Kamen is silently laughing himself into a series of incurable cramps) Captain America.
I say after reading the large unmistakable typeface on the front of the DVD case complete with iconic figure of the Cap.
TMGuy: Where I live, there is a Kmart, they sell everything cheap. Real cheap, I can get everything there... but not singles. Can't get singles. I can get this, but in doubles.
He said holding a limited edition DVD copy of the HD-DVD version of Smallville Season 5.
Me: Ah-Huh....
TMGuy: (looking at the statues and various merchandise) Spider-man, Super-man, Lois and Clark, too much-too-much. How much?
Me: About $100 each.
TMGuy: Oh. That's okay. Not too bad.
Kamen and me are just openly staring at him now.
Hawkeye, who had been witnessing the whole thing, mumbles something and grabs a couple of CSN's. (For the layman, that's a free comic newsletter)
Hawkeye: Here. You have some of these. They are free.
TMGuy: Too Kind. Too Kind.
(He said this while rubbing them on his chest and eyeing the magazine section)
TMGuy: That is Spider-Man! (pointing at a Wizard Magazine), that is Telephone Booth! (pointing at a Dr Who magazine)
Me: No, that's a Dr Who magazine.
TMGuy: The Doctor! The Doctor charges me too much! Like this Guy! (grabbing a Star Wars Insider magazine) Who is he again?
Me: That's Darth Vader.
TMGuy: Oh Dark. Very Dark, almost black.
(At this stage he had waddled to the donation candy box that was sitting on the counter)
TMGuy: I'm going to buy a tin of coke. 2 for one. Cheap. That's cheap.
Me: What, gin and coke?
(I wanted a drink so bad by this stage that I no longer saw a fat man in front me, but a giant keg of Pims and Lemonade)
TMGuy: No, No, TIN of coke! I love the sugar. Love the stuff. Gotta have it. How much, How much, 1 for 3 for $1? Too Much! Too Much!

He waddles off. Free newsletter in tow. And after he walks out, a grown man wearing a Pokemon hat comes in, followed by an ancient lady with long orange tresses and a fake rose stuck on top of her head. They both corner Kamen, who is holding his head in a corner.
"Nexus!" They chime together
"Nexus!" they chime again, looking more intently at Kamen's vacant expression.
"They are in the Darkhorse section Kamen, I'm sure you can handle this one" I say, looking wearily at the clock.

Idiot Day

Sundays are usually calm, relaxed and full of coffee time idled by casually flipping comics. Bliss.
But the last two Sundays have been filled to the brim with idiots, wall to wall morons. Ceiling to floor pests that love to test my sanity. I am used to stupid questions, but sometimes they even surprise me:

Me: (picking up the phone) Good afternoon, The Comic Shop.
Woman: Is this a comic shop?
Me: (sighing) Yes
Woman: My boyfriend likes those comic book people, and I want to get him a present.
Me: What sort of comic book HERO does your boyfriend like?
Woman: The one dressed in black.
Me: Does he have pointy ears and calls himself Batman?
Woman: I don't know. But I would like to get him something he doesn't have already. Will you be able to tell me?
Me: Tell you what?
Woman: What he doesn't have?
Me: Uh I don't know your boyfriend .... But you are more than welcome to come to the shop and see what rare collectibles we have. There is a large chance that he doesn't have those, unless he is a regular collector and comes here often.
Woman: He doesn't go into your store. He goes to another store to get his comics.
Me: Great, then come on by and pick something out for him.
Woman: Are you sure it's Batman he likes?
Me: (Hands once again clenched into fists) I do not know, it's the only hero that I know who is dressed in black and is very popular. Unless he likes Catwoman, Black Canary or Zatanna. Is it a female or a male?
Woman: But he doesn't like animals, he likes a comic book person.
Me: (hands shaking, wanting desperately to hang up) Come by the shop and figure it out. You might see a picture of the hero your boyfriend likes and we can go from there.
Woman: Thank you so much! I'll be there next week.
Me: Bye now.
Woman: Bye!

Me: (Turning to Bullseye) Do you think Ming can give me the entire week off next week?
Bullseye: Why?
Me: I don't ever want to speak to that woman again. In fact I no longer want to speak to anyone again.

Bullseye was not spared either on Idiot day, he was mauled by a man with a blank stare inquiring about Resin and the Thor oversized bust he still have instore. But I am too weak to write about it now. But soon.

Where did all the Freaks Go?

Amongst the stories that have been collected in a sordid notebook, I say Bonjour. I am only saying it in French to piss Herr Starr off. It really HAS been quiet, not much has been happening at this front, apart from me dodging a few people, and being confronted by some.
First of all, I haphazardly edit my posts, so your little snide remarks about my spelling, grammar and how I was "weak" in expressing my opinion, let me just say that in the comic book world, opinion is changed more times a day that a colostomy bag, and in here speeling and witing doesn't mattrs.

So I was thinking about letting you all know about the couple that accosted me with their unhealthy Donald Duck obsession, on and on about insurance and quality cost price, but what's amusing about that? I palmed them off to Kamen, and Karma decided to punch me, by being forced to listen to the woman talk about her immense "Black Labrador" figurine collection, she actually hunted me down to inform me that she had over 2000 and that not two were the same. She actually kept switching back and forth between Labradors and Donald Duck, (I was hoping she'll snap, like a violin string and say something fucked up like "Black Donald eats Chow and Daisy") and her husband was one of those creepy men that should have been be a wino but somehow ended up with money. He reminded me of Aliza's father in My Fair Lady.
I hated them. Only because they made me visualise what their house would look like and now I can never be the same. Ever.

But the real reason for writing, was a little gift curtsy of Freaky Friday:

Man: (opening his mouth wide and licking the sides of his lips in a grotesque manner) Do you have Smurfs?
Me: Where?
Man: In the store? Like figures of them. (Still licking his lips, this times ONE eye widening in his face as he waited for me to speak, and my eyes could not tear themselves from the drool he was dragging all over his face)
Me: (stammers) Uh no we did have them and uh, we sold out....
(I frown, how did his eye do that?)
Man: (Looks over his friend and flicks his tongue to lick repeatedly at his own top lip) They don't have any smurfs Toby.
Friend: (Looks disappointed) Aw...
Me: If they ever decided to make anymore we'll definitely get them in. They are very popular.
Man: (Looks back at me and sticks his tongue so far to the left of his mouth I thought he was going to eat his eye) Ok. We'll I'll guess we'll keep looking forward to the day. Ta!

What is so provocative and desirable about small blue people? Actually, to tell you the truth, I really don't want to know.

Cover of the Week

"I like it when you touch me...here"

Special Mention

"I am so BUFF!"
"I AM SO BUFF"

In Absentia

Short flashback to a week and one day ago.

Me: (reading Black Canary #1) This is the lamest piece of shit I have ever read.
Kamen: (fixing the new release shelves) Oh that? Yeah it's dreadful. Read "Green Arrow Year 1", that's much better.
Me: But I thought she was like...your dream girl and can do no wrong.
Kamen: Oh no, she can't. But her writers are fucking morons... wait... she's not my dream girl
(He added that last part quite defensively and with that stupid squak he does at the end of every sentence where he is praising the Canary)
Me: (Still reading) Oh my Lord. She has a CANARY call?
Kamen: Yeah man, it's what she does.
Me: (laughing hysterically) Horrible! And all it does is stun! Hahaha!
Kamen: (fixing shelves and obviously not wanting to join in my jeers)
Me: Man she's lame...
A customer suddenly is standing close by, half hidden by the hideous Mickey Mouse statue. He clears his throat.
Me: (putting the book down) Oh I'm sorry. Can I help you?
Customer: For the record, Black Canary is very cool. She is not lame.
Me: (raises both eyebrows) She's totally lame. To me that is... (when the customer opened his mouth to protest) but you know, we are all entitled to our opinion.
Customer: You're wrong. Black Canary is an awesome character.
Me: You know... I have come across your kind before. At every convention I escape near death just because I didn't dig the latest latex clad vixen with shit powers. Time you guys got a sense of humour.
Customer: She's COOL. Where are the Superman trades?
Me: (wrinkling my nose) This way please.

I told him I had a right to an opinion didn't I? Funny how fan boys become the very dogmatic reality they loathe when someone "attacks" the fictional embodiment of their perfection. How very Lex Luthor of them.