Worst. Day. Ever.

This is going to be long and it's going to be painful. Enjoy.
Look, I know the obvious Comic Book Guy references here, but I feel like I am obliged to make this fucking call. First of all....Within an hour of my shift, I'm already cranky, hungry (no breakfast again) and bored with the constant barrage of Nerds wanting shit that hasn't even hit the shelf yet. Yes, I know you are getting impatient, I can hear the panting desperating over the phone. The fact that flabbergasts me is your insistant desire to MAKE ME CARE.
I don't give a fuck, suck up my apathy and make it your own. Build a goddamn sand castle of Dreams Gone Wrong. I don't care. Simple as that.
Then comes in Fedora Wearing Psycho.

"HEY YOU!"
Both me and Zatanna turn, she has the smarts to turn back to the computer when she sees his unkempt greasy green shirt flopping all over his body like a Victorian Gown, the greasy hat stuck to his head like an appendange. Me being the sucker that I am, raise both eyebrows.
Me?
"Yeah, I want to Show You Something"
"Oh yeah? What do you want to show me?" I replied, my voice muffled by repressed sarcasm. (I believe it will be my cause of death in my future old age)
He turns to the display cabinet where he points at the $450, 60's replica of the Batmobile.
"Can I see that please?"
Weeeeell....surely you can see through glass...but I bite my tongue and with a withering look at Zatanna and an angry draw of the key keeping drawer, I sigh and make my way to the front of the store.
I open the case, and as I am taking it out, I notice that the base of the mobile is fucking heavy, and I am going to need both hands. That somehow meant that Fedora had to stick his hands in there to "help" but ended up with a sharp jerk that made the batmobile slam against the glass. Losing a chip of the tail. Well, whatever the hell those car bits are called.
I inwardly sigh, and pick up the piece."It's made of a resin substance, therefore fragile..." I mutter, already picturing Ming torturing me over my clumsiness over the next 6 months.
"WHAT?" He screams. Making me almost lose my grip on the model."So it's not made of metal?" Fedora whines and snarls. Quite a feat.
"No, it's a hard resin/plaster model substance that allows the sculptor to finely sculpt the detail" I slowly say as I turn to put the model car in a safe place.
Fedora Hat begins his endless rant: "If it was made out of metal, like those Matchbox cars, it wouldn't break! And it probably would justify the cost of the model! $450!! How long has that been there?"
"Long time...maybe 4 years" I mutter again, but this time openly staring at his animated crazed look. He grabs his sleeve, pulls it up and exposes his cheap aluminium watch
"If it was made out of this it wouldn't break! WHY DON'T THEY MAKE IT LIKE THIS!?"I sigh openly and from the depths of my soul as I repeat my whole sculptor repertoire in a slim hopeless hope that he would understand. Fuck. I was so wrong.
"$450!!! And it's broken! Can you do me a deal? Can I speak to the manager?"
"Look, because it's damaged, I can see what I can do about the price. Hang on" I am giving you the abridged version because it's too tedious to write the fact that he kept going on about his fucking watch (more than three, four, ten times), and how the model should be made out of aluminium and that Ming was a crook for charging so much for a limited series that NO-ONE ELSE HAS since we only got one and we are the only speciality retailer with it STATE WIDE. And frankly, an aluminium car would be worth $4 bucks and it wouldn't be an exact fine replica, but ah...what the hell do I know, right?
"Can I put a deposit?" Fedora stops, mid dribble. At that point, Ming materialised and I heard his voice lisp "No, no deposits, she won't give you one. I won't allow it. I have had trouble with it in the past. Outright sale, pay it in full."
Fedora points at him "Are you the manager?"
Ming shrinks a little for being forced to deal with customers "Yes?"
"The tail is broken! And the base is dinged up! Can I have a discount?"
"20 percent off" Ming says absentmindedly, already bored with the freak contact.
Fedora's eyes lit up "Oh what's that?"
I reply "It will end up costing you $360"
Fedora licks his lips and plays with his stuck on hat. "I like the sound of that...Can I bring the money later?"
"Suure" I drool, catching Zatanna's eye. "Bring it next week...preferably on Monday...or Tuesday..." I notice her green eyes slit and glare at me as I grin and mouth "When I'm not working"
She slams the comics she was sorting and openly gives me Hate.
Fedora looks at the car, frowning and touching it, muttering something about having to get some money from a deal, how it will take him 3 days, how unfair the world was. How cool Batman was. How much he liked it. How cool Batman was. I nearly fall asleep at his incoherent masturbation over the model.
"Can the boss touch it up? HEY BOSS!" he yells as I nod wearily. Whatever. Ming jerks and looks up from his paper work. "Excuse me?"
"Will you touch it up for me, make it look brand new for $360? I can't have it for less?" He pulls out his wallet full of $50 dollar bills. I am so sick of this guy that I say "Have it for $350"
"She said I could have it for $350 BOSS. I want it! I will be back Boss! Make it brand new!" he says pointing at Ming .
"Sure, come back in half an hour" Ming says as Herr Starr comes walking out to check out the noise, only to stop mid step and turn back to the store room. Tossing one sentence at me as he opens the door: "Get rid of him"
I shrug and watch Fedora leave the store. Ming slides over and says "He won't be back, so put it back on display, I'm off to eat and will come back with the glue soon" He grabs his jacket and heads out. I stare at the door. Not quite sure if Ming was right or not.

As the minutes turn into 15 minutes, I am wrapping some comics for a customer when The Flying Dutchman comes in. The Dutchman deserves no introduction. I fucking hate the guy so bear with me as I take you on a Eurotrip that will make you glad you are not me and if you are Dutch, I assure you I don't judge your nation by this insane creature. I blame Satan himself. Yes, I blame Joss Whedon and possibly the Darkness. Hell, all of Image comics, they are all to blame.
"Oh fair maiden! Lovely you be! Has the new Buffy comic come in?" The Dutchman trills, adjusting his oversized backpack within his large burly frame.
I scan more comics that the next customer starts piling in front of me, and I don't look up. I know who the fuck this was."You got #4 right?" I say in a loud clear voice so he won't lean over and sing to me like he did last time "I can't hear your duuuuuulcet tones my dear!" I shiver.
"Yes! Why YES I did! And I enjoyed it so muchly that I MUST know what happens next!" He sings.
"Next issue, #5, won't be in until August, it's being delayed, you're going to have to wait." I say scanning the last of the comics "That will be $30" I say to the unfortunate soul, who just hands me his credit card while staring at the Dutchman with the look of horror in his eyes. Pfft. Newbie.
"Oh" The Dutchman frowns not caring or aware that it's June. "Then I will come back next week! To check if it came in!" The middle aged dutchman catches my eye and smiles. "Lalala, Joss will write it soon!"
"No he won't, and it won't be in next week, because it's due in August" I say impatiently. At this stage, let me remind you that I have tried to be nice to this guy and have tried (much to the disgust of my co-workers) to treat him like a human being, and you know what I got? I got snorts and giggles and rubbing and touching. Fuck that. No more.
I grab our public listing of New Releases.
"Here is a list of the comics that are coming in week by week, you can read that and see what's coming in, you can even check it out on our website. You don't have to come into the store." I continue in my head "Ever."
The next customer piles some comics in front of me again and I start scanning, glad for the distraction. The previous customer is still clutching his comics and openly staring. His receipts still littering the counter."Oh my dear girl! You assume that I know how to read!" The Dutchman giggles scanning the list. "I buy comics to look at the pretty damsels and gents!" He snorts and stupidly grins, thinking that his joke was going to send me into hysterics. Fine. I'll play ball. "And here I was assuming you were in it for the speech bubbles.." I drool grabbing the cash one of our regulars were offering. We locked eyes and I could see the Pity.
At this point I heard Bullseye's unmistakable snickering. Bastards. The whole lot of you.
The Dutchman frowns and begins to...well...incoherently say something along the lines of
"Joss. Betrayal. Buffy. Should Come. Fairy Dust. Doughnuts. Evil. You are Pure Evil my dear."
only to finish up with "I shall come again. When the next Buffy is in. July shall not see me grace your store. But maybe if Joss changes his mind, I will pop in from time to time."
I force a smile. Fuck off.
"Yeah sure, See you around."

Are you bored yet? I have had 6 gin and tonics, stumbled home from my local drinking establishment to drown more Vodka here. I am having a drunken ball, AND I have 30 minutes till my bedtime...So have a cigarette, some coffee and wonder back ready for The Return of Fedora.
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THE RETURN OF FEDORA

20 minutes turns to 40, and Ming comes back and asks for the Batmobile. "Put it on that desk and I will fix it, even though he won't be back." He stops. "He won't be back right?"I shrug and head to the display cabinet. I pull it out of the case only to turn and see Fedora standing there. In surprise I almost drop it. "$350! Is it fixed yet?" He goes to grab it out of my hand.
"No! More touching up! I have to go and give it to the boss, please wait a moment" I stammer and hurry towards the office cursing and snarling at the small children in my way. Zatanna and Bullseye stare after me. Zatanna recalls how I disappeared into the storeroom, stepping over Usagi who was unpacking the merchandise boxes from the trolley.
"WHERE DID SHE GO? WHERE DID SHE GO WITH MY BATMOBILE?" Was what Fedora screamed when he realised I was gone. "DID SHE GO IN THERE?" Fedora tried to wedge himself between the boxes to push himself inside, Usagi stopped him with a cold stare.
"She's gone out the back, man, she'll be back soon, just wait."
"Can I go in?" Fedora said trying to look inside.
"No" He said, rolling his eyes and heaving out boxes. As I passed Herr in the storeroom, he says "I told Ming he'll be back, and to deal with this Live One quickly. Now he's just out to cause PAIN." He didn't know how right he was. And it wasn't just the fact that Herr could hear him from an easy 10 meters away. At this stage I also didn't realise that Ming already knew he was back and was whipping out his marking up model tools shaking his head
"You've got to be fucking kidding me. I didn't think he'd be back."
Herr frowns at Ming's creepy sudden materialisation "And now he's going to be in there waiting for you, when he would've just paid for the fucking thing and gotten the hell out"
I sigh and loiter in the storeroom, too afraid to look down the corridor to the door or to even go back out there.
"Herr! Get the box! It's up there! April! Go back there and get him to fill in a release form with all damages accounted for!" Ming barks and disappears once again into the office. I step back out and the last thing I hear is Herr saying to Usagi how they are going to need a ladder to reach the dusty 6 year old box. I close the door and meet Zatanna's wide eyes as Fedora is yelling at her in his weird deep gravelly voice:
"Those fucks better not fuck with my Batmobile, it cost me MONEY and if they BREAK IT, I am going to BREAK THEIR FACE.......(heavy breathing) AND THEN I am going to grab their mobile PHONES and STEP ON THEM and and BREAK THEM because it's the same thing and ITS MONEY, this costs me MONEY!" Fedora's hands clenched and unclenched on the counter. He stared at me."WHY IS IT NOT MADE OUT OF METAL!?!??!" He screamed.
"WHERE IS MY BATMOBILE!?"

I hurry back to the storeroom and one the last things I hear is Zatanna's voice wearily saying "Well...I keep my statues up high and out of reach...."

What greeted me in the storeroom shocked me, Herr was doubled over in agonising pain and Usagi was running out the door with the box. "What on earth happened?" I say gingerly.
"I fell off the ladder grabbing that piece of shit box....God dammit..my fucking back." He seethes.
"Does it hurt?" I say in concern and in obvious stupidity.
Herr glares at me. "YES"
"Want some painkillers? You have - " I say only to break off and exclaim "I gotta get the model! And I have to tell Ming you're hurt!"
I run to the office to tell Ming, who thrusts the fixed model at me barking orders that made no sense as he went to check on Herr. I run back only to see Bullseye lifting the model base with Fedora hovering over him "OOOoooh look at that! The base is MESSED UP!" He then grabs the model from me as I approach."But this looks great!" He smiles. His toothy grin assuring me it was a done deal. At this stage Ming steps out, obvious to everyone he was mad and wanted this fucker out of his store. A fucker who lost him $100, injured his employee and was making everyone in the store stop and stare instead of buying comics.
"BOSS!...Make the base look new boss! Using your special batmobile paint!"
"It's a special marker actually" he says dryly grabbing an ordinary marker out of the stationary basket from the counter and grabbing the model "back in 10". He disappears.

If you want more, you're going to have to ask, I have done my part of therapy.
Also I need bliss drunken sleep....blissful....black....nothingness...

Catch Ya Later.