How Much? Too Much! Kmart.

I was going to write about the Resin guy and Bullseye, wasn't I? Damn this week has been so full of freaks, that I am indebted to the Freak Gods from providing a more than generous amount of comedy gold. So I am going to be brief on this one. What made this incident so interesting, was the maniacal glare the guy kept giving Bullseye, and Bullseye really couldn't cope.
"What is the Thor head made out of?" The man said, his voice a fast drawl and eyes not wavering not even blinking.
"Uh, it's made out of Resin" said Bullseye, looking more uncomfortable than usual. People usually don't stare at him so intently unless they want to punch him.
The man keeps on staring "Resin? Exactly what is Resin?"
"It's a derivative of plastic" Bullseye said, lazily typing and clicking his way through Wikipedia.
"But what's it MADE OUT OF? WHAT DOES IT FEEL LIKE!? What is it's chemical proprieties?" the man spits out, eyes darting all over the shop, his hands palm down on the counter.
I step in. "It's a type of plastic modellers use, because it can be cold cast into any sculpture" I left it like that because I just wanted him to fuck off. Bullseye at this stage had turned pale and was staring back at the man in fear, much like a deer staring down the barrel of a sawed off shotgun
"BUT WHAT IS IT MADE OUT OFF!?" the man nearly foamed.
Bullseye regains control and starts stammering "I can show you Thor if you want, maybe you want a closer look?"
"I want to see all of your Resin statues, I want to see what Resin is made out of, I want to touch..." He said staring at the display cabinet and moving slowly towards it. I smiled as Bullseye slunk behind him. And cruelly picked up a comic, and made my way to the storeroom.

Cover of the Week

Thursday night Aerobics class was relocated inside an Alien Eye this week.
Green Lantern: Let me out of here! I don't want to tone inside this eye!
Batman: Stop complaining, Softie, feel the burn!

Well. so Resin Guy was a little, let's say UNHINGED for a lack of a better word. Apparently he ended up buying a Wolverine statue which pretty much certifies him insane anyway, so let's move on to the star of the show.
Me and Kamen were lazily spending a wet Sunday verbally abusing each other, as we always do and we almost missed it. Kamen spots him first.
Kamen: Shit! It's Too Much guy!
A large bellied man with missing teeth waddles into the store. Breathing heavily and unevenly.
I rub my hungover eyes. Really? Today?
TMGuy: It's R2! It's R2! Where is D2?
Me: That is R2D2.
TMGuy: How much? I say I say you can't have R2 without D2. Too Much!
Me: Uh..
TMGuy: How much is Batman? How much is Superman? Clark Kent is too much! Too much!
By this stage he was getting excited and touching every DVD we have in our Comic DVD section.
TMGuy: At Kmart. In Kmart you can get 2 ones but you can't get a single. All singles in Kmart. How much is one? I say... TOO MUCH! But oh yesssss Superman..... oh.
He stops and stares at a DVD ROM of Captain America comics.
TMGuy: Who is this?
Me: (hand on chin, slightly amused while Kamen is silently laughing himself into a series of incurable cramps) Captain America.
I say after reading the large unmistakable typeface on the front of the DVD case complete with iconic figure of the Cap.
TMGuy: Where I live, there is a Kmart, they sell everything cheap. Real cheap, I can get everything there... but not singles. Can't get singles. I can get this, but in doubles.
He said holding a limited edition DVD copy of the HD-DVD version of Smallville Season 5.
Me: Ah-Huh....
TMGuy: (looking at the statues and various merchandise) Spider-man, Super-man, Lois and Clark, too much-too-much. How much?
Me: About $100 each.
TMGuy: Oh. That's okay. Not too bad.
Kamen and me are just openly staring at him now.
Hawkeye, who had been witnessing the whole thing, mumbles something and grabs a couple of CSN's. (For the layman, that's a free comic newsletter)
Hawkeye: Here. You have some of these. They are free.
TMGuy: Too Kind. Too Kind.
(He said this while rubbing them on his chest and eyeing the magazine section)
TMGuy: That is Spider-Man! (pointing at a Wizard Magazine), that is Telephone Booth! (pointing at a Dr Who magazine)
Me: No, that's a Dr Who magazine.
TMGuy: The Doctor! The Doctor charges me too much! Like this Guy! (grabbing a Star Wars Insider magazine) Who is he again?
Me: That's Darth Vader.
TMGuy: Oh Dark. Very Dark, almost black.
(At this stage he had waddled to the donation candy box that was sitting on the counter)
TMGuy: I'm going to buy a tin of coke. 2 for one. Cheap. That's cheap.
Me: What, gin and coke?
(I wanted a drink so bad by this stage that I no longer saw a fat man in front me, but a giant keg of Pims and Lemonade)
TMGuy: No, No, TIN of coke! I love the sugar. Love the stuff. Gotta have it. How much, How much, 1 for 3 for $1? Too Much! Too Much!

He waddles off. Free newsletter in tow. And after he walks out, a grown man wearing a Pokemon hat comes in, followed by an ancient lady with long orange tresses and a fake rose stuck on top of her head. They both corner Kamen, who is holding his head in a corner.
"Nexus!" They chime together
"Nexus!" they chime again, looking more intently at Kamen's vacant expression.
"They are in the Darkhorse section Kamen, I'm sure you can handle this one" I say, looking wearily at the clock.

Idiot Day

Sundays are usually calm, relaxed and full of coffee time idled by casually flipping comics. Bliss.
But the last two Sundays have been filled to the brim with idiots, wall to wall morons. Ceiling to floor pests that love to test my sanity. I am used to stupid questions, but sometimes they even surprise me:

Me: (picking up the phone) Good afternoon, The Comic Shop.
Woman: Is this a comic shop?
Me: (sighing) Yes
Woman: My boyfriend likes those comic book people, and I want to get him a present.
Me: What sort of comic book HERO does your boyfriend like?
Woman: The one dressed in black.
Me: Does he have pointy ears and calls himself Batman?
Woman: I don't know. But I would like to get him something he doesn't have already. Will you be able to tell me?
Me: Tell you what?
Woman: What he doesn't have?
Me: Uh I don't know your boyfriend .... But you are more than welcome to come to the shop and see what rare collectibles we have. There is a large chance that he doesn't have those, unless he is a regular collector and comes here often.
Woman: He doesn't go into your store. He goes to another store to get his comics.
Me: Great, then come on by and pick something out for him.
Woman: Are you sure it's Batman he likes?
Me: (Hands once again clenched into fists) I do not know, it's the only hero that I know who is dressed in black and is very popular. Unless he likes Catwoman, Black Canary or Zatanna. Is it a female or a male?
Woman: But he doesn't like animals, he likes a comic book person.
Me: (hands shaking, wanting desperately to hang up) Come by the shop and figure it out. You might see a picture of the hero your boyfriend likes and we can go from there.
Woman: Thank you so much! I'll be there next week.
Me: Bye now.
Woman: Bye!

Me: (Turning to Bullseye) Do you think Ming can give me the entire week off next week?
Bullseye: Why?
Me: I don't ever want to speak to that woman again. In fact I no longer want to speak to anyone again.

Bullseye was not spared either on Idiot day, he was mauled by a man with a blank stare inquiring about Resin and the Thor oversized bust he still have instore. But I am too weak to write about it now. But soon.

Where did all the Freaks Go?

Amongst the stories that have been collected in a sordid notebook, I say Bonjour. I am only saying it in French to piss Herr Starr off. It really HAS been quiet, not much has been happening at this front, apart from me dodging a few people, and being confronted by some.
First of all, I haphazardly edit my posts, so your little snide remarks about my spelling, grammar and how I was "weak" in expressing my opinion, let me just say that in the comic book world, opinion is changed more times a day that a colostomy bag, and in here speeling and witing doesn't mattrs.

So I was thinking about letting you all know about the couple that accosted me with their unhealthy Donald Duck obsession, on and on about insurance and quality cost price, but what's amusing about that? I palmed them off to Kamen, and Karma decided to punch me, by being forced to listen to the woman talk about her immense "Black Labrador" figurine collection, she actually hunted me down to inform me that she had over 2000 and that not two were the same. She actually kept switching back and forth between Labradors and Donald Duck, (I was hoping she'll snap, like a violin string and say something fucked up like "Black Donald eats Chow and Daisy") and her husband was one of those creepy men that should have been be a wino but somehow ended up with money. He reminded me of Aliza's father in My Fair Lady.
I hated them. Only because they made me visualise what their house would look like and now I can never be the same. Ever.

But the real reason for writing, was a little gift curtsy of Freaky Friday:

Man: (opening his mouth wide and licking the sides of his lips in a grotesque manner) Do you have Smurfs?
Me: Where?
Man: In the store? Like figures of them. (Still licking his lips, this times ONE eye widening in his face as he waited for me to speak, and my eyes could not tear themselves from the drool he was dragging all over his face)
Me: (stammers) Uh no we did have them and uh, we sold out....
(I frown, how did his eye do that?)
Man: (Looks over his friend and flicks his tongue to lick repeatedly at his own top lip) They don't have any smurfs Toby.
Friend: (Looks disappointed) Aw...
Me: If they ever decided to make anymore we'll definitely get them in. They are very popular.
Man: (Looks back at me and sticks his tongue so far to the left of his mouth I thought he was going to eat his eye) Ok. We'll I'll guess we'll keep looking forward to the day. Ta!

What is so provocative and desirable about small blue people? Actually, to tell you the truth, I really don't want to know.

Cover of the Week

"I like it when you touch me...here"

Special Mention

"I am so BUFF!"
"I AM SO BUFF"